[He's never heard Break talk about his physical state in such detail before, and it's honestly chilling to hear. It's like my whole body is cracking. And he knows Break doesn't exaggerate about things like this, so - imagine, then, a person in that much pain all the time.
It's a good thing Break can't hear him, since he wouldn't know what to say in the first place.
But he keeps going and as he goes, Gilbert starts to piece things together. The death shocks causing him problems isn't exactly new, since he'd been there several times after executions when Break's body had started to give out more than before. But the reminder than it could be any instance of stress is definitely sobering. All of the times he's had to yell at them or try to wrangle a situation, the few trials that he'd devoted his time and energy to, and whatever this big secret operation that he's been dragged into entails - he's certain that all of it has been a great weight on Break.
And then, I don't think I'll live another week.
He's still. Unusually still, even for a ghost. How does one react to that, anyway? How does Break feel about it? It's always so difficult to discern his true emotions, especially for someone like Gilbert, who is clumsy when it comes to these things.
It'll be another few seconds before Break will feel something - this time against the back of his hand, since Gilbert is still conscientious enough to not want to mess up his scarf. He spells out not sins? which is vague, but it's just him getting confirmation that Break doesn't think he'll live another week because of his own deteriorating health, rather than the swath of this week's murders brought on - as far as he knows - by the demons.]
[ Their uncertainty compliments each other, since really, Break had more to say than this. There's a point to him admitting this at all, because why would it be anything but that? For how upset Gilbert was about not knowing about "Kevin," this was tecnically a secret that he'd held on his shoulders much more tightly. Not even the Rainsworths knew just how the Mad Hatter ate away at Break's life. He never wanted them to. So admitting this has a purpose, as it always does with Break. He'd never admit something sentimental without a reason.
But it's difficult for him, even if he speaks rather smoothly. It's something he's been considering ever since he had lost his grip on his cane a few days ago, but it's taken just as many days of mulling it over to get to this point. His grip on his knitting needle relaxes, and he just sits back against the fluffed up pillows of his bed. He's trying to think of how to get to his point, since even saying this much has him feeling almost drained, but the thought pauses when he feels words traced out on his hand. ]
Ah, well... No, they could still kill me. [ Which he doesn't sound upset about at all. Predictably, he's totally ready to fight them... ] But that's predictable. I know what will happen in that case.
[ Though his wording there makes it seem like he may know a bit more about these murders than he's letting on. He doesn't ask for clarification or seem surprised by Gilbert asking about sins, and his answer implies knowledge that demons are behind the murders. ]
I don't know what happens if someone dies- [ He pauses, then shrugs awkwardly ] naturally.
[At this point, he can't even be surprised that Break seems to know what's going on. Break always seems to know what's going on and he used up most of his anger the previous week when he learned about Oz...
Now, he's just upset and agitated and scared, and it's not like the path this conversation is taking has any sort of comfort in it. He knows what will happen if the demons kill him, but he doesn't know what will happen otherwise? If his death is natural, could he be in even more danger somehow...? What if that puts him beyond a place where even the demons could reach? What if something similar to Sisuca happens to Break? Gilbert is tensed and quiet, running through all of these awful scenarios in less time than it takes for him to catch a breath.
Then, he carefully and slowly spells out what will you do.
Not so much a question, and he means it to cover more than one topic.]
[ Break waits patiently for the response, but when it comes, the effect is immediate. He smiles, but it's soft and sad, which is probably a surprise too. He's been mulling over that same question, after all. With the way he thinks, everything is evaluated and calculated, because he's sharp and will never let a chance pass by him. Every potential advantage is something he'll grasp onto, since paradoxically, for all his fatalism, he wants to live. Maybe not for living itself, but there are people who he doesn't want to hurt, and there are people he doesn't want to leave.
Ever since he saw a little girl crying over her parents' coffins, that question had more or less defined him, actually. Kevin Regnard always had an answer. Xerxes Break had even more. But for this? ]
I'm not giving up, so don't misunderstand why I'm telling you this.
[ For this, there's no solution. Fighting demons or saving the dead seemed like something ridiculous and impossible, but there was a chance. There was something concrete for him to grasp onto, no matter what the odds actually were. But here, he's facing a question where there's no plan for him to formulate or answer to grasp onto. It's nothing to do with this. This is the end that he knew would come.
He just wishes that it were different, no matter how selfish that might be. ]
I won't be able to fulfill her wish either way, so... I'd rather prove her wrong, to be honest. If I can save even one person, then that can be enough.
["I'm not giving up" really doesn't mean a lot in the end, and that's pretty sad, but it's something that Gilbert's accepted as the truth long before today. Sometimes, fate just intervenes and ruins those plans of survival. Sometimes even the person who speaks them is using them as little more than a crutch, and doesn't actually believe they hold any weight. Break may be afraid of death as anyone else, but will determination and willpower alone be enough sustenance?
He doesn't think so.
And he there's something bitter in hearing that, too. Not surprising, since this is Break and of course he'd want to spite the Will for what she'd done and what she had said. Proving her wrong is just as important as whatever stupid wish she wanted fulfilled, he's sure. But where's the good in it if Break won't be around after? He hates that most of all.
It takes him a second to realize that he's teared up enough for it to well over this time. He still doesn't know what to say, so he takes the silence as a chance to wipe his cheeks.
Then, he just reaches out for Break's hand and grabs hold of his fingers with some sort of strange desperation that says I'm sorry I can't do anything or I wish I could do more or I know you won't be able to say anything but please just tell me what to do. Surely a little guidance is possible...]
[ When he feels that hand on his, Break is sure of that thought that had crossed his mind a minute ago. No, he's glad that if he has to do something like this that it is like this. He knows Gilbert is here because of that ethereal weight, but there's nothing more. He doesn't need to see to imagine what Gilbert's expression must be like at the moment, and that's—
He laughs softly, because it dawns on him with that thought. Break curls his fingers as if he would be gripping Gilbert's hand in return very lightly, but there's nothing but empty air.
That's painful, isn't it?
He doesn't want anyone to feel the kind of desperation he has in the face of loss and despair, but especially not Gilbert. They were similar, even if neither of them would ever want to say as much because of the particularly unique relationship they had. He'd collected a brat in the rain for his own purposes, and it was always supposed to be what he had always preached. Using others was a part of being dedicated to a goal. But he had expected Gilbert to dislike and resent him. He hadn't expected Gilbert to ever accept with determination and pride in his voice that he was Break's left eye.
He hadn't expected to feel how oppressive the emptiness of a room could be. ]
Just... don't do anything stupid.
[ Which is a broad statement for the two of them, honestly, but he's speaking to the familiar and dangerous mix of desperation and determination that they both share. ]
I wanted to tell you so that if it does happen, it's not a surprise. And for anything here, make sure Miata is safe. That's the only chance we have.
[It's not really fair, he thinks. Break is always going off and handling things on his own, leaving little more than "don't do anything stupid" by way of advice as he leaves. How can he be expected to stick to something like that when he doesn't even know which way to turn next? When he doesn't even know what the most dangerous option would be?
It's not fair and he's tired and he's angry, but it's not like he blames Break, either. He's sure that Break is feeling the exact same things in a very similar way. Worse, even, since he's bearing the burden of holding on to these secrets that he can't share. And what can Gilbert do? Nothing but hope that things will work out all right? Is that really it, when Break doesn't even know what might happen if he dies naturally?
(This is exactly why Break told him not to do anything stupid, but he's still considering, because he has to do something.)
He gives Break's hand another squeeze, grateful for the gesture even though he can't feel anything. And even though he knows he can't be heard--]
I will. I'll make sure she's safe, and I'll - try to make sure that we make the best decisions possible here. No matter what.
[ After that second squeeze of his hand, Break's smile turns a little warmer, and at least less resigned on the surface. He's still... something. He doesn't want to think too deeply about what he's feeling right now. But that tiny gesture of assurance is at least enough to calm some of his worries. He's never been the sort of person to wear his heart on his sleeve, but he does still worry about the few people he cares about, even if it's shown in odd ways. He relaxes, though it comes with a heavy and tired sigh. He's had his emotion for the day, said what he wanted to, and now he feels that he needs to move onto something else.
Honestly, he's tempted to wave Gilbert away, but he decideds against that. Even if it's hard to really know it's true, he still would prefer to have the slight knowledge that he was here. ]
...Though on that note, it doesn't matter too much to keep it secret now that Katerina is taking over things for the moment.
[ He shrugs ]
There are still things I won't say, since I don't want to ruin our work so far, but I doubt why we're here is terribly relevant anymore. But if I tell you, at least promise me that if you do tell Undyne or anyone else, please keep them in line? Don't let them murder people carelessly.
[UGH LOOK it's a hard job trying to keep the other alabama rednecks in line... especially when he can't even keep himself in line...
That said, just the fact that Break is offering to share anything at all is - well, it isn't enough. But it's about all he'll hope for for the time being, and that makes it easier to bear. He knows Break is working as hard as he can, anyway. They're all just doing their best in the end.
[ He nods, but Break closes his eye as he explains. If he seems tired in a different way, it's because he absolutely is. Ever since he had learned the truth of this, he's been tired. With Miata under Katerina's control now and with all of these people dying without much hope of being stopped, he finds it difficult to actually care enough to keep this part of the secret. All he cares about it making sure to keep the actual plan from Katerina. ]
Outside of this town, it's different, apparently, because this country is going through a war. This town was destroyed, and I assume that what we're seeing now is— [ He waves a hand dismissively, since this part he doesn't care about. ] Something fake, at least. Katerina and Miata were the only ones to survive. Katerina... Well, I suppose she reminds me of Jack, for all I know of her. She wants to take revenge, and that's the idiotic madness that we've been pulled into. We're just pawns and sacrifices so that she can do it. None of this has anything to do with us at all.
[ He opens his eye again, but it's with a bitter laugh. ]
Miata has known the whole time, naturally. But she just let this continue, so you can take that as you will. Personally, I think she's just a coward.
[Haha... Well, no wonder Rhys and Break were angry, then, if that's the sort of game that's being played here. They already have to deal with ploys of revenge that have nothing to do with them back in their own world. Being dragged into another one entirely for the same nonsense reasons definitely makes him feel more than just a little sour.
He'll also drop his grip for a moment, so he can trace something else out on Break's palm.
Town destroyed.
That's what they see, as ghosts. The real town. Break is certainly right about that much, at least.
He agrees with the rest though - had agreed with Undyne when she called Miata out, too. Miata herself had claimed to be a coward, and even though Gilbert's been guilty of the same sin, it won't stop him from calling it out when he sees it others.]
[ He laughs and shakes his head, since with this part explained, he might as well be minorly salty... ]
It's really a pain to try and ask questions so that Katerina would have thought I was coming to them naturally. I knew the answer to about every question I asked you. Working up to anything useful never quite happened.
[ Since, well, the Alabama Rednecks happened. But then again, considering what this all ended up being for in the end, he's not sure he cares so much anyways. All he had needed was answers on how to save Gilbert, and he at least had that, more or less. There's still a piece of that puzzle that's missing, but at this point, he couldn't help with that if he wanted to. ]
Well, whatever. It didn't end up mattering much in the end, since Miata had her own ideas on how to take care of this.
[Ah... WELL, LEAVE IT TO BREAK TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Gilbert, naturally, didn't pick up on that at all...
But he can also definitely understand where all this salt is coming from, especially if Miata's plan involves more unnecessary death. He's not exactly crazy for Rhys's not-quite-plan either, but if the alternative is this, it's not like they have a lot of other options to explore...
So he'll just reach out to tap Break's shoulder again, not really meaning anything in particular. It's just a gesture of solidarity and understanding.]
[ Break thinks that the tap on his shoulder is trying to catch his attention at first, but when nothing follows it, he at least smiles and laughs softly. Of course it's something gentle like that. When he stops thinking about how he would personally approach this were their positions reversed, it's definitely easier to understand. ]
...Just so you're aware, by the way.
[ He starts, since thinking about how Gilbert might perceive this does have something occur to him that he'd like to clarify. It's just a small thing, and really, to Break? It's not important at all. But he knows it could be a little more important to Gilbert. ]
I didn't start into any of this until you died. That's why I'm very grateful to Rhys. He gave me this instead of letting me just kill whoever was unlucky enough to cross my path that week. [ He shrugs ] So I really didn't know anything before then. I promise.
[He'd definitely wondered once or twice just how long Break was holding on to this secret, though not as much as he would have if they weren't constantly being thrown into DANGERTOWN, but...
That's still - well, something of a relief, but also very touching. He'll need to thank Rhys for this later, too, since the last thing he'd want is for Break to die needlessly. Even if he'd escaped and secured a seat among the seven "survivors", it's clearer now than ever that their hunches were right and things would never be that easy.
So if Break is alive right now because of Rhys, he owes Rhys a lot, too.
That said, since he's still reserving his energy, he only writes: Understood.
He trusts that Break is telling the truth about the rest of that. A promise isn't even needed.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It's a good thing Break can't hear him, since he wouldn't know what to say in the first place.
But he keeps going and as he goes, Gilbert starts to piece things together. The death shocks causing him problems isn't exactly new, since he'd been there several times after executions when Break's body had started to give out more than before. But the reminder than it could be any instance of stress is definitely sobering. All of the times he's had to yell at them or try to wrangle a situation, the few trials that he'd devoted his time and energy to, and whatever this big secret operation that he's been dragged into entails - he's certain that all of it has been a great weight on Break.
And then, I don't think I'll live another week.
He's still. Unusually still, even for a ghost. How does one react to that, anyway? How does Break feel about it? It's always so difficult to discern his true emotions, especially for someone like Gilbert, who is clumsy when it comes to these things.
It'll be another few seconds before Break will feel something - this time against the back of his hand, since Gilbert is still conscientious enough to not want to mess up his scarf. He spells out not sins? which is vague, but it's just him getting confirmation that Break doesn't think he'll live another week because of his own deteriorating health, rather than the swath of this week's murders brought on - as far as he knows - by the demons.]
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But it's difficult for him, even if he speaks rather smoothly. It's something he's been considering ever since he had lost his grip on his cane a few days ago, but it's taken just as many days of mulling it over to get to this point. His grip on his knitting needle relaxes, and he just sits back against the fluffed up pillows of his bed. He's trying to think of how to get to his point, since even saying this much has him feeling almost drained, but the thought pauses when he feels words traced out on his hand. ]
Ah, well... No, they could still kill me. [ Which he doesn't sound upset about at all. Predictably, he's totally ready to fight them... ] But that's predictable. I know what will happen in that case.
[ Though his wording there makes it seem like he may know a bit more about these murders than he's letting on. He doesn't ask for clarification or seem surprised by Gilbert asking about sins, and his answer implies knowledge that demons are behind the murders. ]
I don't know what happens if someone dies- [ He pauses, then shrugs awkwardly ] naturally.
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Now, he's just upset and agitated and scared, and it's not like the path this conversation is taking has any sort of comfort in it. He knows what will happen if the demons kill him, but he doesn't know what will happen otherwise? If his death is natural, could he be in even more danger somehow...? What if that puts him beyond a place where even the demons could reach? What if something similar to Sisuca happens to Break? Gilbert is tensed and quiet, running through all of these awful scenarios in less time than it takes for him to catch a breath.
Then, he carefully and slowly spells out what will you do.
Not so much a question, and he means it to cover more than one topic.]
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Ever since he saw a little girl crying over her parents' coffins, that question had more or less defined him, actually. Kevin Regnard always had an answer. Xerxes Break had even more. But for this? ]
I'm not giving up, so don't misunderstand why I'm telling you this.
[ For this, there's no solution. Fighting demons or saving the dead seemed like something ridiculous and impossible, but there was a chance. There was something concrete for him to grasp onto, no matter what the odds actually were. But here, he's facing a question where there's no plan for him to formulate or answer to grasp onto. It's nothing to do with this. This is the end that he knew would come.
He just wishes that it were different, no matter how selfish that might be. ]
I won't be able to fulfill her wish either way, so... I'd rather prove her wrong, to be honest. If I can save even one person, then that can be enough.
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He doesn't think so.
And he there's something bitter in hearing that, too. Not surprising, since this is Break and of course he'd want to spite the Will for what she'd done and what she had said. Proving her wrong is just as important as whatever stupid wish she wanted fulfilled, he's sure. But where's the good in it if Break won't be around after? He hates that most of all.
It takes him a second to realize that he's teared up enough for it to well over this time. He still doesn't know what to say, so he takes the silence as a chance to wipe his cheeks.
Then, he just reaches out for Break's hand and grabs hold of his fingers with some sort of strange desperation that says I'm sorry I can't do anything or I wish I could do more or I know you won't be able to say anything but please just tell me what to do. Surely a little guidance is possible...]
http://i.imgur.com/bLkmdBD.jpg
He laughs softly, because it dawns on him with that thought. Break curls his fingers as if he would be gripping Gilbert's hand in return very lightly, but there's nothing but empty air.
That's painful, isn't it?
He doesn't want anyone to feel the kind of desperation he has in the face of loss and despair, but especially not Gilbert. They were similar, even if neither of them would ever want to say as much because of the particularly unique relationship they had. He'd collected a brat in the rain for his own purposes, and it was always supposed to be what he had always preached. Using others was a part of being dedicated to a goal. But he had expected Gilbert to dislike and resent him. He hadn't expected Gilbert to ever accept with determination and pride in his voice that he was Break's left eye.
He hadn't expected to feel how oppressive the emptiness of a room could be. ]
Just... don't do anything stupid.
[ Which is a broad statement for the two of them, honestly, but he's speaking to the familiar and dangerous mix of desperation and determination that they both share. ]
I wanted to tell you so that if it does happen, it's not a surprise. And for anything here, make sure Miata is safe. That's the only chance we have.
u really outdid urself....
It's not fair and he's tired and he's angry, but it's not like he blames Break, either. He's sure that Break is feeling the exact same things in a very similar way. Worse, even, since he's bearing the burden of holding on to these secrets that he can't share. And what can Gilbert do? Nothing but hope that things will work out all right? Is that really it, when Break doesn't even know what might happen if he dies naturally?
(This is exactly why Break told him not to do anything stupid, but he's still considering, because he has to do something.)
He gives Break's hand another squeeze, grateful for the gesture even though he can't feel anything. And even though he knows he can't be heard--]
I will. I'll make sure she's safe, and I'll - try to make sure that we make the best decisions possible here. No matter what.
[It still feels like he's doing so, so little.]
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Honestly, he's tempted to wave Gilbert away, but he decideds against that. Even if it's hard to really know it's true, he still would prefer to have the slight knowledge that he was here. ]
...Though on that note, it doesn't matter too much to keep it secret now that Katerina is taking over things for the moment.
[ He shrugs ]
There are still things I won't say, since I don't want to ruin our work so far, but I doubt why we're here is terribly relevant anymore. But if I tell you, at least promise me that if you do tell Undyne or anyone else, please keep them in line? Don't let them murder people carelessly.
[ he knows the fuckin alabama rednecks... ]
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That said, just the fact that Break is offering to share anything at all is - well, it isn't enough. But it's about all he'll hope for for the time being, and that makes it easier to bear. He knows Break is working as hard as he can, anyway. They're all just doing their best in the end.
He taps Break's right shoulder for a yes.]
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Outside of this town, it's different, apparently, because this country is going through a war. This town was destroyed, and I assume that what we're seeing now is— [ He waves a hand dismissively, since this part he doesn't care about. ] Something fake, at least. Katerina and Miata were the only ones to survive. Katerina... Well, I suppose she reminds me of Jack, for all I know of her. She wants to take revenge, and that's the idiotic madness that we've been pulled into. We're just pawns and sacrifices so that she can do it. None of this has anything to do with us at all.
[ He opens his eye again, but it's with a bitter laugh. ]
Miata has known the whole time, naturally. But she just let this continue, so you can take that as you will. Personally, I think she's just a coward.
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He'll also drop his grip for a moment, so he can trace something else out on Break's palm.
Town destroyed.
That's what they see, as ghosts. The real town. Break is certainly right about that much, at least.
He agrees with the rest though - had agreed with Undyne when she called Miata out, too. Miata herself had claimed to be a coward, and even though Gilbert's been guilty of the same sin, it won't stop him from calling it out when he sees it others.]
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[ He laughs and shakes his head, since with this part explained, he might as well be minorly salty... ]
It's really a pain to try and ask questions so that Katerina would have thought I was coming to them naturally. I knew the answer to about every question I asked you. Working up to anything useful never quite happened.
[ Since, well, the Alabama Rednecks happened. But then again, considering what this all ended up being for in the end, he's not sure he cares so much anyways. All he had needed was answers on how to save Gilbert, and he at least had that, more or less. There's still a piece of that puzzle that's missing, but at this point, he couldn't help with that if he wanted to. ]
Well, whatever. It didn't end up mattering much in the end, since Miata had her own ideas on how to take care of this.
no subject
But he can also definitely understand where all this salt is coming from, especially if Miata's plan involves more unnecessary death. He's not exactly crazy for Rhys's not-quite-plan either, but if the alternative is this, it's not like they have a lot of other options to explore...
So he'll just reach out to tap Break's shoulder again, not really meaning anything in particular. It's just a gesture of solidarity and understanding.]
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[ Break thinks that the tap on his shoulder is trying to catch his attention at first, but when nothing follows it, he at least smiles and laughs softly. Of course it's something gentle like that. When he stops thinking about how he would personally approach this were their positions reversed, it's definitely easier to understand. ]
...Just so you're aware, by the way.
[ He starts, since thinking about how Gilbert might perceive this does have something occur to him that he'd like to clarify. It's just a small thing, and really, to Break? It's not important at all. But he knows it could be a little more important to Gilbert. ]
I didn't start into any of this until you died. That's why I'm very grateful to Rhys. He gave me this instead of letting me just kill whoever was unlucky enough to cross my path that week. [ He shrugs ] So I really didn't know anything before then. I promise.
no subject
That's still - well, something of a relief, but also very touching. He'll need to thank Rhys for this later, too, since the last thing he'd want is for Break to die needlessly. Even if he'd escaped and secured a seat among the seven "survivors", it's clearer now than ever that their hunches were right and things would never be that easy.
So if Break is alive right now because of Rhys, he owes Rhys a lot, too.
That said, since he's still reserving his energy, he only writes: Understood.
He trusts that Break is telling the truth about the rest of that. A promise isn't even needed.]